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And I kissed him again, more aggressively this time. Just then the music stopped so we made our way back to the bar through the crowd of other dancers. Jules still had his hand on my bare back under my top. As we moved through the crowd I felt several hands grab my bum briefly as we passed all sorts of men. Ralph and Julia had been dancing too and they arrived back at our spot, that Jim had been guarding, just before us. I noticed how comfortable Ralph and Julia were with each other. I knew that in the past, they had been fuck buddies. Should I be jealous? But my session with Julia, Jules and Jim three nights ago had been so good. And Ralph had sent me to that. I decided that if I was to fuck Jules and Jim then it was OK for Ralph and Julia to fuck too. I knew that I could never explain this logic to my parents, I never intended to try to explain it to them, but it seemed to be the logic that my new husband applied. The cold beer that I was drinking was a relief after the hot dance. There were more superficial changes, too. I walked differently, sat differently, moved my hands differently, even sounded different, all without any effort. It seemed like a case of galloping schizophrenia, but I was quite clear headed at those times-- much more together (and happier) than I had ever been as a boy, and certainly lucid enough to know that I could never share myself as Moira with anyone else. And, with one exception, I never did. When I was sixteen, my sister married and moved away-taking with her the clothes, shoes, jewelry and cosmetics that Moira needed in order to be fully realized as a girl. I didn't have the nerve to replace any of it. I resigned myself to losing Moira forever. It was hard. I won't deny that I cried and cried the day my sister left the house, not only because I loved her and would miss her terribly, but also because I had to say good-bye to Moira, too. I lost my two best friends that day.Still, I thought, it was all for the best. What chance did.
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